I don't think I have ever felt this lonely before. I am almost 18 years old. It is about the time when I have to start growing up: making my own decisions, making money, paying for different necessities. It is really scaring me. My parents are backing away, which is great because they want me to succeed on my own, but frightening at the same time. No more holding my hand. It's time to live the way I choose. That is a difficult thing to do when you are an indecisive person like myself.
However, that is not the only reason why I am lonely.
The other day, someone was driving me home after an NHS project. I told her how I was working at a diner. I was telling her my hours and she noticed that I had Friday nights free. "That's great!" she said. "You can still go out and party on Friday nights!" I am not much of a "party person" and I told you that. "Well, not party, but hang out with you friends." I thought about it... I don't really do that. Who would I hang out with on a Friday night? I didn't have an answer. My high school is not my favorite place. It is just a place to pass through. This town is not where I would choose to spend my Friday nights.
So you are probably thinking, well, she has to have SOME friends. I do have friends and I love them dearly. But lately, friendship has seemed to be a one-way-street instead of two. Some friends don't find me "cool" enough and no longer wish to sit with me at lunch. Others pound me with arguments. I love to debate; it is one of my very favorite things to do... However it is not as much fun when you feel as though you are being ridiculed for your beliefs. I don't just believe what people tell me to believe in. I do my own research. There are friends who never write to me first. There are also friends who worry me with their bad habits. That's a problem I have; I worry too much about others. Why don't I let them just mess up their own lives? I want what is best for others and I give too many second chances.
I am so glad that I have God in my life. I feel so lost now; just imagine how lost I would be if I didn't have him in my life! I know this is just a phase and I have to get through it. There is so much more to life than worrying about friendships. I have a kingdom to help build.
The best thing for me to do right now is smile.
"Smile though your heart is aching, smile although it's breaking. Although there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by if you just smile."
"It's what you wear from ear to ear and not from head to toe that ma-ha-atters."
Smile, and praise God for all his many blessings. And... maybe eat a piece of chocolate.
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